How to Handle Restaurants

Statistics show that the average American eats at a restaurant 18 times a month. That’s 216 awkward situations for me.

I’ve talked to other “tubies” about it, i’ve tried out different strategies, and let me just warn you - there’s really no good way to go about restaurant dining. You could try and avoid it all together, sure, but think about all the time and conversation you’re missing out on if you don’t go. If each meal is an hour (some even two), that’s 216 hours of missed quality time.

Pick a place with a nice atmosphere

Going out to eat doesn’t do anything for me. Quality time with people I love, yeah, but we could do that at home, and watching other people eat isn’t fun.

But sometimes you get stuck and there’s just no way around it. If you have any say in the restaurant, pick one with a nice atmosphere so you have distractions and a pleasant view.

Ask for a kids menu

ULTIMATE KEY: ASK FOR A KIDS MENU

Save it for when everyones’s food comes, so you’ll have something to focus on while they eat.

Know what places have your drinks

Have a list of three of four restaurants that have drinks you like. That way, when everyones deciding where to go for lunch, you can throw in your ideas and be able to get something.

How to handle waiters

Something I run into a lot with waiters are comments about my size when I tell them i’m not placing an order.

“Come on, your diet at least allows you to eat salad, right?”

“Nothing!? What if I brought you out a plate of veggies, would you eat that?”

“You’re not ordering anything?! Do you have an eating disorder or something?”

↑ Yeah, someone actually said that.

The best way to handle those situations is with humor and honesty. I tell them I have a disease where I can’t eat so I have a feeding tube, and then they typically realize how rude they were, and I follow it with some joke about making up for not eating with all the fruit punch i’m ordering.

When you’re with people you don’t know

Okay. So I went to a wedding with my friend Anna a few weeks ago as her plus one, and obviously, a wedding, there was dinner. So we’re at this big round table with a bunch of people our age-ish and I didn’t know anyone.

When dinner started, no one really noticed at first that I didn’t get a plate, but when they did literally everyone (practically one by one) asked me “you’re not eating?”

When this happens, the best thing to do is just smile, and say no. Tell them you’re not hungry or you already ate. Explaining will just make them say “awwww” and then they feel uncomfortable and aren’t sure what to say. “I have a feeding tube” probably wasn’t the answer they were expecting.

Restaurant dining is hard. Restaurants aren’t meant to be for people who don’t eat through their mouth. I mean, if they were, I guess they’d have IV poles and feeding pumps at all the booths… gross.

Being in an environment designed for something we “tubies” are incapable of doing can be frustrating, but for the sake of socialization I hope you can use these tips to make it a little more bearable.